Naked Logic Stupid Things We Do

People make bad decisions for all sorts of reasons that everyone can relate to:
I was drunk… he was cute… I needed the money… it was on sale… Seldom do people admit to something much more common: I was naked.

Think about it. We make the dumbest decisions of all when we find ourselves naked, and in public. Take my friend Molly, for example, Molly and her boyfriend spent the night in a beautiful boutique hotel in San Francisco, which advertised that every room was completely unique.

The room they stayed in had a peculiar floor plan, and the door to the bathroom and the door to the hallway looked exactly the same, and were next to each other.

You can probably figure out what happened. She got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and found herself naked in the hallway. And the door had slammed shut behind her.

So, the clothed mind would have just pounded on the door until the boyfriend woke up and let her back in. But Molly’s naked mind could not think clearly. All she could think of was finding cover quickly.

So she ran down the hallway to take cover behind a potted plant. Once safely protected by foliage, she came to the realization that she had no phone, no vodka, and no idea what room number she was in. Her naked mind was completely incapable of formulating a new plan.

She heard the elevator stop on her floor and—thinking quickly, but using naked logic—she bolted for the fire escape. Once on the fire escape, she thought it would be smarter to climb down a floor or two. Or three.

Now she was unable to recall what room she was in, or what floor she was on. Still naked, and now lost, she started to wonder if the best solution would be to exit on the street and feign insanity. At least the police would throw a blanket over her before they took her away, and surely they would give her a hospital gown at the mental institution.

It gets worse, but I will leave Molly shivering in the fire escape for now and allow you to ponder for a moment the numerous bad decisions one otherwise smart woman can make while under the influence of nudity.

I live in a fishbowl, and have to be constantly aware of when I am naked and where I am standing when I am naked. It takes a keen mind, and constant focus. When I find myself accidentally naked and in front of my window that looks out on a busy downtown street, I will become paralyzed, and my I.Q. drops at a rate of about 10 points per second. (I believe this is a documented fact.)

Last night, I dropped an entire can of black paint and it splashed everywhere. I immediately started cleaning the hardwood floors, and then realized that my clothes were covered with black paint too.

Since I thought that taking the clothes off was urgent, I did so behind the counter in my kitchen. No one could see me there, of course, but once naked and crouched behind my counter, there was no way to get to new clothes without walking the gauntlet from the kitchen to my bedroom, which would offer the thousands of people walking the street outside my home an illuminated view of my naked backside.

I did what anyone would do under the same circumstances. I ran across my living room, naked (but partially covered in black paint), and spent the next four hours hiding behind a potted plant in my living room. While the paint dried on my hardwood floors.